A Heart That I Do Not Possess

One thing that I keep realizing as this year was drawing to a close was my heart.
The physical human heart has nothing to do with what we describe it as being.
It cannot be simply broken, or stolen, or given to someone.
It stays locked within our chests, steadily beating, pumping our blood through our bodies.

And that is where the Heart that we talk about theoretically starts to come into existence.
Since the heart keeps us alive, it is at the center of us, and it is essential to our being, is where it gains it's metaphorical importance.

So what now?

Well, back to my original thought, I have been thinking about my heart.
And where my heart is and has been through the year of college I just experienced.

And after talking with many people, and to God, about the importance of keeping the mission statement of Campus Crusade, I have realized where my heart isn't.

I have realized the heart that I do not possess.

And that heart, is the heart of evangelism.

Every single Christian in existence is called to evangelize. we are all called to reach out to our peers, to our family, even to complete strangers, to complete the Great Commission.

Matthew 28:18-20
Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (emphasis added)

I was trying to wrap my mind around that.
I always used the excuse, "Well some people are called to reach out to the masses, and some people are called to reach out to close friends"

and that is simply a lie.

We are all called to reach out to everybody we come into contact with.


Now imagine yourself at a refugee camp. there are people everywhere, in crowded spaces.
you see their sunken faces, exposed ribs, and shabby rags for clothing.
they say nothing, but when you look in their eyes, you see the pain.
you see them practically screaming for help
for saving.

this is how Jesus sees the un-believing.
not as some swanky actor that doesn't "need" God.
but as a broken, suffering, and devastated refugee. A refugee of sin.

I dont know about you, but if i saw someone I know looking like a homeless man from Sudan, I would do something about it.

and this is how we should view evangelism. not as something we do to lead someone to God, so they can better their already good lives.
but instead to see God save them from a life of suffering and death.

And to me, this means I have to have a heart for evangelism.
No.
I NEED to have a heart OF evangelism.

If our heart is our core, our life-source, the center of us, then if we have a heart to reach out amongst our fellow humans, it should be the only thing we strive to do.
My heart needs to be pumping with fervor to bring the word of God to every tribe, tongue, and nation. If that is applied to someone on the street, someone in my classes, my neighbor, my floor, my hall, my school, my nation, or the whole world.
I need to be constantly desiring to share Jesus with everyone.

and that means I have to leave my comfort zone.
not it's not, If i have to leave my comfort zone, so be it.

I will be leaving it
we all are, because we are not on this earth to be comfortable.
we are here to spread Jesus, and glorify Him


So if this means I leave the "Bowen Hall Family" then I will.
If God calls me to go to another dorm, I will do it.
If he even calls me to leave WSC, I will do it.

Reluctantly, but I will.

It's Time

Ever since ive been going to Wayne State College, ive been attending Concord E-Free Church.

and ive never went to a different church.

and i saw nothing wrong with that.

i got everything i wanted from attending Concord. Worship, Conviction, Instruction, and Comfort in faith.

so i decided to visit Journey Christian Church a couple sundays ago.

and this is what i gathered.

The message was about something along the lines of God's glory. the thing is, it was so topical, it made me sick.

it was almost as if the pastor was simply talking about God. just a message that was telling you things about God. and how cool he is, and things he can do.

but it felt like it never went further than that.

it spoke of His holiness, and what that meant, but never mentioned how that applies to how we should follow him.

and this is nothing against Journey Church.. but it just felt like i was being fed milk.

milk for a new believer. simple truths and ideals that we need to know and understand before we are able to move on to solid food.

milk makes us feel safe, it is comforting. it doesnt upset, it doesnt change our lives, it just keeps us stable.

but solid food builds up our bodies, it gives us nutrients that milk cannot provide.

yeah we may eat something wrong, so our body just processes it like junk food, and we feel the repercussions from that. but then we know not to each such foods again.

but if we were to stay on milk, we would never feel those wrongs. we would always be in our safe little bubble.

but we would also never grow.

It's time to ween ourselves off the milk, and move on to some Man Steak.

On personalities and friends.

why are there some people we dont get along with? why are there people that get on our nerves?

is it just that we get rubbed the wrong way?

us it that person's fault? or is it our fault that we don't understand that person?

do we not get along with people because we see something in them that they have, and we lack?

or that they have a personality flaw that we also posses. such as if I am impatient, and someone i am with is also being impatient, i get impatient due to their impatience.

why did Jesus get along with every person, or at least try to? He obviously had enemies.

but why did those enemies hate Him?

because of who He was. That's why.

but Jesus still loved them.

He still loved his enemies.

He never talked bad about them.

so why should we?

Reboot

Does anybody ever have those days where you just want the opposite of what people want to give you?

If someone wants to hang out, they kind of turn into that one person you definitely do not want to see.

If someone says something, you disagree or say something the exact opposite just to screw with them.

It's almost a cynical state of mind. just go against everything that you usually wouldn't mind.

but its soothing.

its almost like how you hold in the power button on your computer. and in those short 6 seconds, it seems like you are just murdering your PC. I dont know about you, but i always see it as almost as i am strangling my poor laptop, as its glowing screen stares scared in my eyes and then...

pop.

its off. and when you turn it back on, everything is good again. you start over

but for those short 6 seconds, you turned against your poor computer, or in this case, my life.

for a short time, i turn from my life and just want to do everything different. just for a little while. then when it is over, just like when the computer is off, i just want things to be like they once were. so i "turn it back on".

and sometimes, it's just too late for that. some people are too mad that i "held the button".

or i hurt some people by the things i said as i was restarting.

so in my own selfish state of mind, my own selfish act of trying to set my own life straight, i may hurt other people along the way.

but which is better?

hurting yourself to help others?

or helping yourself, but hurting others?

obviously my mind turns to the "hurting yourself" option, because others benefit from it in the end. and that is what i believe is the right choice.

but what if during all that time, you don't restart your computer, you don't clear off all of the programs and virus's and applications, and your computer (a.k.a: yourself) just gets mudded up and useless, all because you just dont want to hurt the feelings or relationships you have.

i dont really know where i am going with this.

i am more or less just venting a random idea i had as i was restarting my computer

i applied it to my life and see how it could work...

i just found it to be interesting.

And here we go again...

Thoughts On Why I Suck

Here we go.

i am so selfish.

(i originally spelled that selphish... i dont know why)

i am so concerned with my own life. with my surroundings. with my comfort zone.

its freaking ridiculous

i hate being a hypocrite.

i spend my time talking about how the believers on this campus need to evangelize more, when i barely do it myself.

i tell people to read their bible more, without reading myself.

who am i to guide someone else's life?

(more on that later)

Considering where i am on my walk with Christ at this moment, it is out of the question to have me being a mentor to anybody. I need to get so many things in my life on track. My attitude right now is apathetic towards personal growth. i don't feel like i need to be in God's word everyday, when i know that i really do need to.

But then again, maybe i am walking closer than i think i am, and i need to just change my attitude towards everything. it is a bit of a slippery slope to be on, but it is one i fall on a lot.

but whenever i do, God always brings me out of it better. he uses my stubbornness so it can be broken, and he uses my brokenness to rebuild. and i truly appreciate Him for doing that. because we both know that i need to get slapped around (figuratively).

and is that God testing me to be a leader?

For some silly absurd reason, i feel like i am being called to lead. i don't know where, or when, or how. but i feel that way.

maybe this is God telling me that I need to prepare to lead at some point in time. Because God tests His leaders.

What it probably is, is God showing me how NOT ready i am to lead.

Leadership is such a finicky thing. In my eyes, there are three types of leaders.

1. People who really want to lead, and have passion for it, but shouldn't due to some reason. whether that is their personal desires, ability, or influence.

2. People who can lead, and would be okay doing it, and probably should, but don't because they either

a: think someone else would do a better job

b: too scared

c: just don't want to lead

3. People who are genuinely good leaders, and are humble about it.

(the third one is kinda lame, but true)

Idk, thats how i see things as of 1:54am on april 18th.

that will probably change

i have no idea where i fall in those categories.

but what makes a leader? who should be leading the body of believers here at WSC? Well that answer is easy, Jesus. But how do we let Him lead? How does Jesus lead a body of believers?

Through the believers praying, and through Him speaking to those believers.

i dont know where i am going with this.

but the new servant team was "released" this week. and i feel like they are ready, willing, and able to serve our savior and lead this body of believers, Campus Crusade for Christ at WSC, to do His will. and i believe that this years staff will be ample enough to be able to get things done. I'm not saying last years wasn't, or the years before that, but i find them to be quite alright. and that is all attributed to prayer.

prayer is such a powerful tool and shield and sword and vessel and just about everything ever.

i mean, how cool is it that we can LITERALLY TALK to our Savior? the God and Creator of the universe!

ITS FREAKING AWESOME.

(thats how cool it is)

im sorry this post was really random, but i will refine my thoughts later.

P.S: This is what the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

Publicity

If I learned one thing about giving up Facebook for 2 months, its that it doesn't matter. Facebook drama is right below Jr. High drama.

i used to worry about having witty facebook status', a cool profile picture, how many friends i have, how many people post on my wall. i used to be really really wrapped up in that kind of stuff. and thats not how it should be.

facebook should just be a site to stay connected with people you can't see in person at the moment, or at all. not divulge your entire life.

For instance, I used to post status' that pretty much make people ask me whats wrong. i used to just want the attention. things such as "Ugh i cant believe this is happening to me!" or "..." or "Just wants to go cry".

things of that nature.

and you know what, all i was doing was trying to get attention from people. i wanted to see who cared about me. and in all actuality, the people who really cared about me didnt look at my facebook page. they looked at me, at my life, at my actions. they looked at me, not my facebook.

and i guess this is more of a rant than a blog post, but if youve ever seen my old blog, there are many-a-posts just like this one.

People do not need to know what is going on in your life at every moment. That is what Jesus if for. Pray to God about your problems, and struggles, and about your life if you are so worried. dont share it with the internet hoping to get some sort of outcome.

that is one huge thing i had to deal with. i always went to people on the internet before i went to Christ. and even if i did go to him, it was only because i felt obligated to. and with that attitude i never really felt like he was going to do anything.

why would God, the creator and master of the universe, care about me and my problems?

why?

because He loves us!

and we have to learn to truly accept that.

and that right there is something that i still struggle with.

and as far as venting, or posting your life on the internet, that is why they invented blogs. if you really want to share your feelings, put it out in public, but dont necessarily shove it on the facebook world.

there is a difference between honestly asking for help, or advice, or reconciliation, and just seeking attention.

and i was just seeking attention until i gave facebook up, and effectively gave up all social internet contact. and it, no matter how lame it sounds, changed my life. and changed it for the better.

instead, i go back to the days of old. where i posted my life, as according to xanga, for all the internet to see. but i only gave it out to a few close friends. and that is what i am doing now.

only close friends will read this, and i am alright with that, because that is who is supposed to be reading this in the first place.

Until next time...